Decisions And Growth

When I got to my apartment Tuesday morning I went through the things I'd received in the mail in Braille. I'd received something in Braille from VIAtrans telling me that VIAtrans now has an app for iPhone and Android users to use if he or she chooses to do so. I haven't had time to look at the app yet but I'm excited that VIAtrans is finally moving forward with the times a little bit. After I'd read through the Braille mail I'd received I took my laptop out of my backpack and checked to see if the papers that were also in my backpack had been damaged by the water that had been spilled on me by someone on the train. Fortunately my laptop was unharmed. The papers that were in my backpack seemed like they still needed to dry though. Unfortunately though yesterday morning when I checked whether the papers in my backpack had dried, they were still sopping wet. I was bummed that I had to throw them away but when I thought of the fact that my laptop could've taken a huge hit, that put things into perspective real quick. LOL. Last night I went to group therapy. The group is lead by two therapists who allow the people in the group to discuss our experiences with trauma of any sort. Since I'd been on vacation for a month though I wasn't able to participate in as much of the group as I would've liked. However the time I did spend in this group was not only fruitful but one of the experiences I'll treasure most in my life. I feel blessed to call everyone in the group friends and to have met such great therapists who love what they do. Because in my experience not every therapist who is a therapist, is a kind, compassionate person. After I was sexually assaulted as a young adult I went to a therapist who I'd thought was going to help me through said traumatic experience. Instead though this particular therapist did nothing but badger me and tell me that I was emotionless when I talked about being sexually assaulted. Apparently that particular therapist didn't get the memo that she should've been taught in school: everyone deals with traumatic experiences differently. Apparently that therapist forgot that she was human and that I too was human. Even though I was a grown adult by that time I still felt powerless to change the situation. It took my uncle telling me that I didn't have to keep seeing this therapist if I didn't want to, for me to actually make the choice to make that situation better. In fact I'll never forget the day that I emailed said therapist and said something like "I've realized through having you as my therapist that healing needs to come from within me. I won't be seeing you anymore." That was it, just a short and sweet...or not-so-sweet email that I wrote. I never heard from that therapist again but I walked away from that particular situation having gained a ton of confidence in myself because as far back as I can remember that was the first time I'd really stood up to someone and told him or her that I wasn't okay with the way things were going between us. Even though I had that particular experience with the therapist I saw after I was sexually assaulted a huge part of me still believed, or wanted to believe that not all therapists were like that one. Still though I didn't go to therapy for years after I'd been sexually assaulted. Just for a timeline, I was sexually assaulted in summer 2009 and I went to one-on-one therapy in August 2017. When I actually made the choice to go to therapy though I felt great. I felt great because I did my research. I texted a close friend of mine to tell her that I wanted to give therapy a try and asked her for some resources to make that happen for myself. So my friend told me about PsychologyToday's website and that website was where I read different therapist's profiles. A lot of the therapist's profiles that I'd read rubbed me the wrong way because they were written in such a way as to say "I hope that patients keep coming back to me." Most of the profiles I'd read were screaming that sort of thing, actually. It was crucial to me to have a therapist that I could come to believe in so I sat at my PC for hours so that I could make sure that the therapist I picked to see, not only looked good on paper but felt good in my gut as well. I made sure that I was comfortable with the therapist I picked by exchanging several emails with the lady who ended up being my therapist before I'd even met her. I loved what she'd said in her profile though! She said that she wants her patients to grow and to be able to live a meaningful life regardless of the traumatic experiences they may have gone through. Of course there was the initial uncertainty of not knowing whether she had any negative perceptions of people with disabilities but that just comes with the territory of being someone who lives with disabilities. When I was sexually assaulted though I didn't choose the therapist I saw. I went to a therapist that was recommended by someone who was a family friend. When I saw a therapist after I'd been sexually assaulted I didn't want her to see me or treat me like a victim. So needless to say before I started going to therapy a few months ago I could never have imagined that going to therapy would be helpful in my life. Because as I've said in my blog before, most of society does not want to talk about things like sexual assault or mental health therapy. Yet I'm someone who wants to push the hell back on that thought and say why the fuck don't we have these life-giving discussions with one another? I say these kinds of discussions are life-giving because in talking about our truths, regardless of what those truths are, we learn about each other and we have opportunities to really get to know the deep things about people instead of just surface-level bullshit. Through talking about trauma, death or whether a woman wants to have kids for example, you learn about a person's character through each of those topics of conversation. Since many people are uncomfortable with women who don't want to have kids for example, it's easier not to talk about kids. That is yet another inspiration for my creating a public blog: the fact that I want to challenge people's perceptions that "every woman should have kids." I don't think that at all. I think that some people have kids and are great with them, just like some people aren't great with the kids they have. The reasons I don't want kids though are well thought-out and need to be heard by the world. Because to be honest as a child I wanted kids. The thing is though that I wanted kids because I was a kid and most kids say similar things because that's what is natural to us. Then as I got into high school my reason for wanting kids was because at 16-years-old I lost my sister TJ to an eating disorder. TJ was not blood-related to me but the bond she and I shared was as meaningful to me as I'd imagined a bond would be with a sister. TJ and I both had eating disorders, we both came from broken homes, we both loved the TV show American Idol and we both loved and supported each other wholeheartedly. As I got even older though I began to ask myself the all important question of whether I, Chelsea, really and truly wanted kids. The answer was no. Then in my early 20s I had different health issues appear like not being able to walk because my leg felt as if I'd broken it. Once that happened a few times, sending me to the hospital ER each time, I thought longer and harder about whether I saw myself as a mothering type of person. I eventually came to the conclusion that having kids just wasn't meant to be for me. I'd have horrible traumatic experiences where I'd be walking somewhere and suddenly I'd visualize myself holding a baby and my arms suddenly spasming, causing the baby to fall to the ground and get seriously injured. When I say I had these visions, these visions happened in the daytime as well as during the night time. Each time I'd have these visions I cried in real life because those visions just fucked with me to my core. This sort of thing went on for a long while. I would tell people about said experiences and people would say "Oh, do you know how many people have dropped their babies in their lives?" That wasn't the point though. I just wanted those people to embrace a decision I'd made that I knew was right for me. However years later I now realize that I needed to be confident in that decision for myself because other human beings would fail me just about every time. So in group therapy last night I talked about how when I was in my mid-20s I had my tubes tied. In fact it was December 2013 that I had my tubes tied. To this day I wake up thankful that I made this particular decision for my life. Might I change my mind someday about wanting kids? Sure. However why would I want to create a living, breathing human being inside of me when the world is already over-populated as it is? Why would I want to create a living, breathing human being inside of me when there are children that already exist in the here and now who could have a home with me? Why would I want to be pregnant and experience the shitty sides of pregnancy like constant nausea when any of the chronic health conditions I have could cause me to throw up or worse at any time? No thanks, I refuse to volunteer for those opportunities. Aside from the reasons I just listed though another huge reason I don't want kids is because when I was a child I knew that if I was going to spend my life with anyone, I wanted it to be spent with someone I chose to spend it with, without kids. I wanted that person and I to be able to travel a lot, I wanted to give one person the love, attention, support and passion that's been rare for me to experience in my own life. I still want those things even now. Might I change my mind about wanting kids someday? Sure but I might not change it either. It's time that society hears a woman say that not only does she love her life without kids but I would argue that my life is more meaningful because I don't have to take care of kids. I can live the life I want and travel whenever I want because I don't have to worry about taking kids to and from school, I don't have to raise a human being. I'm only responsible for and to myself. Society needs to hear that those things give a person a level of freedom that is rarely, if ever possible when kids are in the picture. Just because I choose to live my life differently than people think I should, or would live their life, does not mean that the way I'm living is wrong. The way I live is different from the way many people live his or her life. That's the key word though, "different." I embrace my differences because if I was like everyone else in the world there would be no reason for me to blog or otherwise share myself with the world in ways that matter. Even in last night's group therapy session we talked about the fact that even though writing a blog is a seemingly small thing to do, it's a contribution to the world nonetheless. I'd never thought about that but I'm glad that I was given the chance to think differently. Going back to therapy though and how helpful therapy has been for me this time around: I also chose to go to group therapy. I waited to go to group therapy until I'd taken the time to work on myself for a little bit though because I was really bothered by the fact my mom and her side of the family treated me horribly for years. I tried to convince myself that I'd dealt with their shitty treatment and gotten over it. Yet deep down it was eating at me. So when Chester Bennington from the band Lincoln Park committed suicide, I decided that I was going to get help for myself. I don't know why Chester Bennington's suicide affected me so strongly but I'm glad I started going to therapy. I think going to therapy was long overdue for me, honestly though. There's just something about being able to confide in someone who is trained to deal with mental health-related issues. It's comforting yet uncomfortable at times. It's comforting because a good therapist will lead people to their own conclusions about his or her life rather than telling their patients what he or she should or shouldn't do with their lives. It's uncomfortable at times because it isn't easy to talk about PTSD, family repeatedly traumatizing you or the shit that you've internalized because of the abuse you suffered for years. None of those things are easy but I knew I wanted to feel better mentally. I also knew that feeling better mentally was probably going to feel emotionally and physically draining at times. It was all of those things. It's also been beautiful too though because I've grown tremendously as a person. I've learned how to be a better boundary setter. I've learned the importance of speaking up for myself, including when I feel wronged by someone in some way. I've learned to embrace my brokenness as a person rather than keeping quiet about my brokenness because it makes people squirm. I've learned to see myself as a queen even though I'm at times broken. If we were all honest with ourselves and others though I think everyone is broken in some form or other. Broken does not mean bad, that's another thing I've learned. It can be bad, it just depends on one's perspective. As a Jessie J song says "it's okay not to be okay."