Ranting, Confidence And More Happenings

[chelseajmunoz]

In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I forgot to mention that Wednesday afternoon after my friend and I'd come back from the college I'm going to be attending I called the SSA. The reason I'd called the SSA was because I wanted to have a proof of income letter mailed to me. However I called the SSA at least twice and had no luck getting the SSA's automated system to cooperate with me. For whatever reason the SSA's automated system was having technical difficulties. Like, the SSA's automated system would allow me to get all the way to where the system tried to submit the request I'd wanted it to submit. Instead of submitting my proof of income letter request though the SSA's automated system told me that it could not go through with what i'd requested it to do. In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I also forgot to mention that in the text messages I'd exchanged with the lady whose house I was going to see Wednesday evening, when the lady had texted me her address a friend and I looked at the things that were near where that particular lady lives (such as how far this particular lady lives from the college I'm going to be attending). Said friend and I'd discovered that this particular lady only lives a mile away from the college I'm going to be attending. Said friend and I then looked at the gyms that were near where this particular lady lives, the restaurants that were near where this particular lady lives as well as grocery stores that were close to where this particular lady lives. My friend and I'd found out that there were no restaurants or fast food places nearby where this particular lady lives. However if my memory serves correctly there was a grocery store that was near where this particular lady lives. In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I also forgot to mention the fact that the lady whose house I went to see Wednesday evening never told me about the paperwork that she'd want me to fill out. So when I was at her house Wednesday evening and she'd told me about said paperwork for the first time I was thrown for a loop because I didn't feel like I was given a fair chance the way other potential tenants of this lady's may have been given a chance. In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I also forgot to mention that while a friend and I were visiting the lady's house Wednesday evening I'd asked the lady if she had a washer and dryer in her actual house. When the lady had told me that yes she had a washer and dryer inside her actual house I asked if she'd allow me to use her washer and dryer if she chose me to be a tenant at her house. I even offered to pay her more money in order for me to use the washer and dryer that's in her actual house. However she told me that if I was a tenant of hers she'd allow me to use the washer and dryer that's in her actual house without charging me extra money. In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I also forgot to mention that while a friend and I were at the lady's house that we saw Wednesday evening the lady told me something like "If I don't choose you to be a tenant of mine I still hope that you and I can be friends with one another." What the fuck? First you want to tell me lady that you wanted to cancel out on me because there are other people who were interested in your studio. Then you tell me lady that you hope you and I can be friends no matter how this situation turns out. In the last blog entry that I'd written yesterday I also forgot to mention that the lady whose house a friend and I'd gone to see Wednesday evening told me that she probably wouldn't choose me as a tenant because she wanted someone as a tenant who could generate even more income than the rent the person would pay her. I guess she was trying to be similar to the way that apartment complexes make people have cosigners if he or she doesn't generate enough income in that particular apartment complex's eyes. A while after I'd written my last blog entry yesterday I called the SSA again. Fortunately the SSA's automated system was able to submit the proof of income letter request that I'd wanted said system to submit for me Wednesday afternoon. Several hours after I'd called the SSA I texted the lady whose house a friend and I'd seen Wednesday evening. In the text message I'd sent her I told her I wanted to fill out the paperwork that she'd given me but before I did so I wanted to know whether her studio was still available. A little while later a friend of mine who attends the college that i'm going to be attending told me that he'd talked to his friend who I'd met at the college Wednesday. In the conversation that he'd had with said friend he'd asked her if she'd talk to the people at student services and ask them if they'd post my female roommate wanted ad at different places around the college that are farther apart from one another. My friend's friend told him that she just hadn't followed up with student services yet. Shortly after I'd had that conversation with my friend the lady whose house I'd seen Wednesday evening texted me. In the text message she'd sent me she'd said that the room a friend and I'd seen Wednesday evening was no longer available. I'm kind of bummed about that because the situation seemed like it would've been great for me. Yet I'm able to see that obviously it wasn't meant to be that I rent a room from her, especially given the weird things that she'd said to me when said friend and I'd met her at her house Wednesday evening. This morning I called the college I'm going to be attending because I wanted to check whether said college had received everything from me that they'd need. Unfortunately though the college offices were all closed because all of the college offices close early on Fridays. Shortly after I'd discovered that all of the college offices were closed though I received an email that my ex-boyfriend had forwarded me. I bring this particular thing up because being contacted by my ex-boyfriend brings up numerous thoughts for me. First of all there's the fact that I haven't contacted him in a while, combined with the fact that I even changed my phone number so that he wouldn't be able to call me anymore. I knew in my heart that he wouldn't be the type of person who'd get the numerous hints that I've given him that I don't want him to be a part of my life. It's still frustrating though. Another reason that it's frustrating is because it's allowing me to reflect on how I used to act and think verses how I choose to act and think now. I used to feel obligated to talk to him regularly. Yet I've come to realize with time that in talking to him regularly I was only creating payoffs for him. Because every time I'd communicate with him in some way (whether said communication be through email or by phone) he felt good about our communication with one another. However another thing that I realized with time was that the only reason he wanted to communicate with me was because each time I talked with him on the phone, even though I had no intention of taking him back, he still thought that eventually he'd win me back. So once I came to those realizations I stopped communicating with him completely. Letting him go has felt great!! I know that he is not a good person for me in any way and I don't regret the decision I've made to cut ties with him. For the longest time though he left me alone. I feel weird admitting this but I thought that maybe he'd gotten the hint I was trying to give him after all. Nope! Like I said, he forwarded me an email this morning. I didn't respond to said email and I'm not going to respond to said email. I feel good about that decision too but I'm writing about this experience because as a woman I'm often told by society to be a peacemaker and to always respond to people when they contact you. Well I no longer buy into such bullshit. I'm a grown woman who chooses who she lets into her life and who she wants to stay out of her life. I'm a grown woman who has the confidence and good boundaries to say yes to myself rather than saying yes to others and never taking care of myself...and I'm a grown woman who knows that sometimes in saying yes to myself I'll be saying no to others. I'm a grown woman who knows that part of life is accepting and dealing well with the fact that other people will be disappointed in who I am, disappointed in decisions I make, disappointed in decisions I choose not to make...and for me, that's one of the beautiful things about life: disappointing others. The reason I say that disappointing others is beautiful is because in me disappointing others, I'm giving myself the gift of agency! I'm allowing myself to embrace who I am, to love my decisions and to trust in myself completely that I'm going to always do what's right for me. Sometimes it's still really hard for me to remember that in being an adult I have freedoms and rights that are available to me now that were not available to me as a child. I can't think of a situation that's come up lately where I had a hard time sticking to my decision of not contacting certain people. That being said, I'm hopeful that as time goes on and i become more comfortable with asserting myself it will in turn become easier for me to keep in mind that I'm a grown woman who has the freedom to make grown woman choices for her life. I know I'll fuck up sometimes but I want to continue being able to write about the different experiences I'll have throughout my life like the one I've brought up where my ex-boyfriend contacted me randomly today. I think it's important to write about things that happen both for myself and for other women who may find what I'm saying to be a helpful reminder that the message society gives us is complete bullshit. All of it!! A little while after I'd read the email that my ex-boyfriend had forwarded me I texted one of my friends to ask him if he'd help me post my female roommate wanted ad to places like Craigslist and Roomster. A few minutes later said friend texted me back saying that he wouldn't mind helping me do that. I then texted him again because I wanted to let him know that I wanted my entire female roommate wanted ad to stay the same. I didn't want my phone number or my personal email address to be posted on said female roommate wanted ad. Hopefully my friend can take care of this ASAP for me because I want to find a place to stay like, now.