Reflections, Frustrations And Other Thoughts

[chelseajmunoz]

I've been forgetting to mention that lately I've been thinking about how drastically things have changed from when I lived in San Antonio Texas to how things are for me now that I'm in a new city and state. And I've had some pretty interesting life changes occur that I haven't been able to recognize and admit until just recently. Mainly the PTSD symptoms that I used to have in San Antonio Texas have decreased significantly. This means that I'm sleeping better (for the most part) which is a great thing. Another thing that's changed drastically for me is the way I think about some of the people that I'd blocked on FB a while back. Like, I didn't even realize that I'd felt threatened by certain devoutly religious people that I used to sort of hang out with in San Antonio. What I mean in saying that I'd felt threatened by certain religious people in San Antonio is that I felt like if I were to speak openly to those people about LGBT issues or about the fact that I'm in the LGBT family myself, those people would've had a shit fit and I would've been really depressed and upset about those people's reactions. For the record though it wasn't that I cared what those people thought of me. But rather I didn't want to rock the boat when it came to those people because I felt like I needed those people in my life. So I sacrificed standing up to those people about things that were truly important to me because I was certain that they'd hate me if they knew the truth about me. Now that I live in a different city and state though? While I'm not going to add any of those people back to my FB, the way I think about those people now has changed. Like, if I was contacted by any of those people I wouldn't feel threatened as I'd once felt. I'd be able to be civil with them and I'd hope that I'd be unapologetic about who I am in the discussions I'd have with them. That isn't to say that things would happen as I'd like for them to but I've been reflecting on how I think of these people nonetheless. Like, it's really freed me up to see myself as the beauty that I am even though some people that I may come into contact with won't see some things about me as beautiful. I honestly felt like I'd never reach that point so I'm relieved to see that I proved myself wrong. I've also been forgetting to mention that when I'd moved my bed into my place at the beginning of this month I asked my landlord's wife if I could get house slippers to wear with my leg braces so that I could keep my leg braces on whenever I go into the kitchen. She'd said that that would be fine so hopefully I'll be able to find some house slippers to wear with my leg braces before I start school. I've also been forgetting to mention that I've been trying to watch last week's episode of Once Upon A Time using the TV app that's on my iPhone. However for some unknown reason when I double-tap on the latest episode of Once Upon A Time and the TV app takes me to Hulu (an online streaming service for TV shows and movies) an error message pops up saying that Hulu is unable to play the particular video that I'd double-tapped on. I reached out through FB messenger to the friend who's letting me use his Hulu account information so that I could use said service to ask him if he's had the same problem lately. When he'd responded to my message on FB messenger he'd said that he had to watch last week's episode of Once Upon A Time using the NBC app on his phone because Hulu was giving him trouble as well. Fortunately though I can watch Once Upon A Time on the Apple TV of a different friend of mine. Although since that particular friend of mine has lost the Apple TV remote that he'd had I'll have to wait until sometime when he's around so that he can let me use his phone as an Apple TV remote. Ugh. LOL. Yesterday afternoon I finished reading Rising Strong. That particular book was a good read. However there was one thing in that particular book that's made me examine my own life. Brene Brown (the author of Rising Strong) talked about how in her opinion regrets are a necessary part of life for everyone. The Rising Strong author takes things even further by saying that if people don't have regrets in his or her life then he or she really isn't living wholeheartedly. I disagree with the author Brene Brown's perspective (at least in part) regarding her assessment that regrets are a necessary part of life for people because I can honestly say that I don't regret a thing that's happened in my life. There was a time a few years ago that upon reflecting on an interview that I'd done for someone who was doing a project on how blind people perceive the world I totally regretted doing said interview. And to some extent I still do regret doing said interview but for me, said regret does not last. Because in that particular instance I was young when I did the interview for the guy who'd done a project on how blind people perceive the world. At the time I'd done the interview I was in my early 20s and I was brand-new to having my own apartment. A lot of the questions that the interviewer had asked me were things that I didn't feel I had appropriate answers for. Not only that but I felt like in doing said interview I was forced to put on a mask because the interviewer didn't want me to speak openly and honestly about the ways in which my mom had fucked up my life. Because that sort of conversation likely would've been uncomfortable for him. Yet I didn't call my mom any names nor did I say anything to the guy who'd interviewed me that wasn't true. And maybe I wasn't meant to give him a knock-out interview. Maybe that particular experience of mine had happened for a reason I'll never understand. All I know is that when I think of the kind of deep regret that the author Brene Brown talks about in her book Rising Strong I can't relate to that kind of regret. The regret that I feel for having done an interview for the guy who'd done a project on how blind people perceive the world is more like the numerous emotions I experience: the regret I occasionally feel about having done that particular interview ebbs and flows just as all my other emotions ebb and flow. I try not to think a lot about why I wish I hadn't done that particular interview because there were a couple times when I'd asked the guy who'd interviewed me to please take me out of his project. When I'd asked him to take me out of his project I was kind to him. Yet when he'd told me that he'd really liked my story because I'd talked about things that he'd thought were important (throughout his and my talks with one another I mostly talked about having been sexually assaulted) I felt guilty for even asking him to take me out of his project. Because he'd reacted so strongly about me not wanting to be a part of his project anymore I didn't push him anymore. A while later though I tried one last time to ask that he take me out of his project on how blind people perceive the world. I was met with the same kind of attitude though which was frustrating as hell for me. Because even when I'd signed a print lease saying that I knew what I was getting into in doing this interview with this guy, said print lease never actually applied to me because the document was not in a format that I could read. So when I say that I have regret occasionally about how this particular situation has turned out I try to remind myself that maybe the fact that I'd done that interview for this guy was not about me at all. That particular thought process is helpful to me because it's a good reminder that sometimes being able to talk to someone who's a complete stranger can be a good outlet for a person to talk about his or her struggles. A while after I'd finished reading Rising Strong I checked the Gmail app on my iPhone to see if I'd received any messages from anyone at the college I'm going to be attending. And as it turned out I'd missed an email message from the Academic Counselor that I'd met with Monday. Once I'd realized that I'd forgotten to read an email from her I read said email. In the email that the Academic Counselor at the college had sent me she'd reminded me that I'm not registered for any classes at said college yet. In the same email that she'd sent me she'd also reminded me that the first date for priority registration would be May first. In the same email that she'd sent me she also let me know that I could call her or email her at the end of next week if I'd like to have her help registering for my first semester class. A while after I'd read the email from the Academic Counselor at the college I'm going to be attending a friend of mine asked the acquaintance of mine if he'd had a chance to email the record request form to the Travis County Court in Austin. Fortunately when my friend asked said acquaintance this time, said acquaintance said that he'd emailed the record request form to the Travis County Court in Austin for me. A little while after I'd heard that bit of good news I received an email from the Senior iTunes Advisor that's trying to figure out how I can unsubscribe from Apple's job-related emails. In the email that she'd sent me she suggested I log into Apple's job-related website again and try to unsubscribe from said emails that way. So I replied to her email saying something like "Given that I've already done this particular thing I don't see how doing the exact same thing again will produce different results." Early this morning I received a phone call from a number that I didn't recognize. Since it wasn't even 8:00 in the morning though I let that particular phone call go to voicemail. Several hours later I checked said voicemail and it turned out that someone was calling me because the person had been informed that I had questions about the insurance that I currently have. I don't know why the person was informed that I had questions about my insurance because I don't have any questions about my insurance plan at this time. The only question I'd had about my insurance lately was whether the county I live in would provide me any and all information that they'd send me in Braille. That way I'd be able to read everything myself. Hopefully the county I live in will do right by me and provide me this reasonable accommodation as I'd requested of them.