A Heartfelt Letter, Changing Things Up And Stuff

[chelseajmunoz]

I've been forgetting to mention that within the last few days I spent time trying to figure out how to stop VoiceOver (VO) on my phone from announcing the word "emoji" after every face that VO reads. Like, there was a time when it was helpful to me for VO to speak the word "emoji" aloud. Nowadays though it's just been annoying when VO speaks the word "emoji" aloud, especially when people use multiple emojis at one time. So in case anyone wants to know how to enable or disable VO speaking the word "emoji" aloud, here's what you do: go to settings, general, accessibility, VoiceOver then verbosity. Once you double-tap on "verbosity" you look for the option that says "use emoji as a suffix" or something to that affect. Those steps work whether a person wants to turn off said emoji announcement or whether a person wants to turn on said emoji announcement. Another thing that I like to do with my iPhone once in a while is change up VO's speaking voice. Like, right now I have VO's speaking voice set to Samantha's voice. Before I'd switched VO's voice to Samantha though I had VO's voice set to Ava's voice. The thing I love best about Samantha's voice though is the fact that I can understand Samantha's speech at a much faster level than I can understand Ava's speech at. Several hours after I'd written my last blog entry yesterday I watched the episode of Once Upon A Time that I'd been wanting to watch for close to a week now. Even better I watched said Once Upon A Time episode on the Hulu app that's on my phone. This morning I received a promotional email from Fed-Ex then I promptly unsubscribed from receiving those types of emails from Fed-Ex. Because if my blog readers don't already know, I don't like to receive any emails from any business or person that are unnecessary. I've always been that way. That's also why when I'd recently signed up with Ticket Master thinking that that particular business's website would let me see how much tickets were for an upcoming Ed Sheeran concert I immediately unsubscribed from receiving emails from Ticket Master that were not related to the fact I'd purchased concert tickets of some sort. So anyway after I'd unsubscribed from receiving promotional emails from Fed-Ex this morning I attempted to watch the latest Once Upon A Time episode on the Hulu app that's on my phone. However the Hulu app was back to not letting me watch videos on said app. What the fuck? Shortly after I'd attempted to watch the latest episode of Once Upon A Time on the Hulu app I received a message on FB from the TA I'd messaged my contact information to recently. In the FB message that she'd sent me she informed me that the teacher I'd recently asked her about still currently works at TSBVI. Said TA suggested that i call said teacher at TSBVI before this school year ends next month. So that's what I'll do. I'm honestly not surprised that said TA probably felt awkward about passing on my contact information to said teacher. Plus it's probably best that I contact said teacher myself. A while after I'd received an FB message from the TA I'd mentioned who used to work at TSBVI I received an email from the Senior iTunes Advisor who I'd been in contact with lately from Apple. In that particular email she'd sent me she acknowledged that Apple has not made it possible for people to unsubscribe from that particular company's job-related emails. Duh. I'd already inferred that particular detail from the time I'd asked Apple about that specifically. I just wanted to see if there was any way that said company could help me get the results that I'd been seeking from said company. And you know, I'm really getting sick and fucking tired of fighting for things. I feel like because I want to live life a certain way I have to fight for things every day. Like, because I chose to ask Apple whether that particular company had a way for people to unsubscribe from that particular company's job-related emails I have to explain things over and over again. Because if I don't explain things over and over again then it's only going to be harder for me to live the life I want to live: a life where I ask for what I need or want and where most of the time I receive exactly what I want or what I asked for. Because the reality is that most of the time when I speak up about accessibility issues or when I speak up about things that I want in my personal life I get what I want or asked for. And I'm not saying that to be cocky. Ever since I'd read a blog entry that someone had written about the importance of people asking for exactly what they want or need I've reevaluated that particular concept in my life. Because believe it or not I used to never ask for what I needed or wanted. Now though? I can honestly say that asking for what I need or want has been one of the most freeing things I could've ever done for myself. I'm feeling like writing a letter to one of my aunts, the kind of letter that a person never actually sends to the person that he or she's writing said letter to. So here goes: Dear Favorite Aunt on my dad's side of the family: when I was a kid I loved to be around you. In a sense I worshipped you because you were one adult who I thought could save me from the hell I was living in with my mom. I worshipped you because I thought you knew exactly what was going on with my mom and that you wouldn't want me to ever be in such a shitty environment again. Even though there would be times when I was a kid that you and I'd lose contact with one another because my mom would pull the plug on letting my dad's side of the family see me I always held out hope that I'd see you again. And I usually did see you again...until my mom pulled the plug on my dad's side of the family seeing me for what she'd thought would be the last time. But what my mom didn't know when she'd pulled the plug on my dad's side of the family for what she'd thought would be the last time was that every single day I thought about the fact that whenever I became an adult I could make the change that I'd wanted her to make. I could have my dad's side of my family in my life if I wanted to...and I did. The year after I'd graduated high school and when I was at the Louisiana Center for the Blind (LCB) I searched for one of my cousins on MySpace. I found the cousin I'd searched for and I kept in contact with my dad's side of the family for several years. As time went by though and after my grandparents on my dad's side of the family had died I felt like something was missing in my life. Whenever you, Favorite Aunt, would invite me to holiday gatherings that you'd have with other family members on my dad's side of the family I felt out-of-place. During those times though I didn't ever think about sharing my feelings with anyone, not even you, Favorite Aunt. Instead I pushed my feelings aside and told myself that I was obligated to surround myself with family members that were related to me by blood because that's just what everyone does. I told myself that my feelings didn't matter nor did it matter how shitty I was treated by people who were related to me by blood. I let myself be walked on by you, Favorite Aunt, as well as by other family members on my dad's side of the family. The last time I saw you and anyone on my dad's side of the family was during the holidays (in December of 2016 to be exact). Before I'd went to that particular family gathering with you and other family members on my dad's side of the family though I talked to my then assistant about how my relationship with that entire side of the family had been. I told her everything: I told her that you'd always been my favorite aunt on my dad's side of the family but that in more recent years I'd started to look at you differently. My then assistant reminded me that I didn't have to go to your family gathering if I didn't want to go. She also reminded me that I could make adult decisions that I was unable to make as a kid even if the adult decisions that I'd make would piss other people off. And I knew she was right so in December of 2016 I went to your family gathering with an open mind. Every part of me wanted to believe that you'd love me and see me the way I'd falsely thought you'd truly seen me for years. Every part of me wanted to believe that you'd hug me long and hard and tell me that you knew what a piece of shit my mom was and is...but none of those things were what actually happened. What actually happened was that in a tone of voice that oozed judgment you asked me "Have you talked to your mom yet?" When I replied to your question with "Nope, sure haven't" you said in that same judgmental tone you'd asked the question in "Well you should talk to her before it's too late." When I responded to your judgmental comment with "Not my problem" you, Favorite Aunt, went on a tangent about how I was making the wrong decision in your eyes and how you were the best Christian EVER because you'd forgiven people in your life. Although that was the end of that conversation because I'd said my piece I still have things to say to you. Even though I stayed at that particular family gathering to spend time with cousins I'd thought cared about me I'm proud of myself for standing strong in my truth. I'm proud that I went to that particular family gathering of yours because for the first time ever I was able to see all of my dad's side of the family (including you, Favorite Aunt) for exactly what you are: people that not only have different core values than I do but you are also people who are incredibly judgmental and unaccepting of anyone who acts differently than you act. It's fine for you to be who you are but it's also fine for me to be who I am and to let that last time of seeing each other be the final time we see each other or interact with each other in any way. Because ever since I'd started going to therapy in August of last year I learned the importance of me accepting exactly who people show me they are. And in learning such a powerful lesson as that, I also blocked all of you on my dad's side of the family that were on my FB. The reason I blocked all of you on my FB was because blocking you all is part of my healing from the trauma that you all have put me through. And although I don't believe there's such a thing as a person completely healing from the trauma that he or she's endured I do believe that if people know that people are toxic (regardless of the fact that those people are related to the person by blood) the healthiest thing that the traumatized person can do is to put a stop to the shitty cycle that both sides of his or her family have created. And that's exactly what I've done in blocking you on FB, Favorite Aunt and your other family members on my dad's side of the family. That's why I changed my phone number too, because I don't want any of you to know anything about me. If you find things out about me through other people, that's one thing...but I'm no longer going to willingly include you in anything anymore. That is something that I can make a choice about now that I'm an adult. And honestly? I'm not even grieving about the loss of you or the rest of my dad's side of the family, just as I'm not grieving about the loss of my mom or anyone on her side of the family. Every single one of you has made this bed for yourselves and I refuse to be involved in the shitty mess that is every single one of you on both sides of my family." While I was writing this letter to who I've called "Favorite Aunt" since I don't use people's names in my blog aside from my own name I thought about the kinds of feelings I felt. The first feeling that came up for me was vulnerability. I knew that what I'd written was me being really vulnerable as well as that the things that I'd written in that particular letter were things that people may never actually say aloud. Then there was the fact that I went back and forth for some time about whether I could really trust that my blog readers would continue to read my blog after they'd seen how vulnerable I'd been in this particular blog entry. Then came the thought of "Chelsea, take this as part of the hard work that you're doing on yourself and for yourself. Let this blog entry be exactly how you wrote said blog entry because anything less would not be you being your authentic self." So that's what I'm going to do...regardless of how other people see what I've written here.