More Empowering Experiences, Frustrations And Thoughts

[chelseajmunoz]

When I wrote my last blog post Wednesday night I forgot to mention that during group therapy one of the group's therapists told us that we'd only meet one more time after this week. I'm honestly kind of sad that the group will be ending soon but I'm glad that I was able to be a part of the group nonetheless. Before I joined the group though I never could've imagined how helpful it would be to have the support of others who have been through trauma. Joining this group though has shown me how important it is to have people in my life who just "get" how trauma really fucks with people. The bond I feel with others who have been through trauma is truly life-giving to me. Our bond helps me embrace the fact that sometimes we aren't always okay. Yet it's okay not to be okay because we're all human and we're all broken in some way. It's been freeing to admit that, actually: that brokenness is part of being human. I hope that even though this group will end soon that I can stay in touch with everyone (including the group's therapists). Wednesday night after I'd come home from group therapy I decided to call Yellow Cab San Antonio and treat myself to something good to eat. Since I still didn't have my assistant to help me cook food and since I never treat myself to anything I thought that would be the perfect opportunity to show myself kindness. So that's just what I did: I called Yellow Cab San Antonio and had a cab pick me up from my apartment. Since there's a Sonic Drive-In at the corner of my street, that was where I had the cab driver drive me. When I told the cab driver that I wanted to go to Sonic Drive-In he asked me whether I had someone to pick up food like this for me. At that time I felt like getting into a discussion with him was a good choice. So I told him that I love my independence and taking a cab to Sonic Drive-In allows me to be independent. I further explained to him that yes I could've had someone get food for me but that there is no confidence-building in having someone do things for me. There is no feeling good about myself when someone does things for me. There is no opportunity for me to grow, to succeed, to fail, to live! I'm human. I want to grow, to succeed, to fail, to live!! Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to be in a different state where I don't know anyone yet I'm able to get around successfully and with relative ease I no longer want to live like I'm a shut-in. Before I'd gone to this new state though I had no earthly idea what I was missing. I literally had no idea what a sense of accomplishment I'd feel in allowing myself to be independent or in allowing myself to get out of my apartment on my own just because I have two fucking legs that work correctly. There are certainly people in the world who would say that my legs don't "work correctly" because of the fact I wear leg braces or because those people flat out don't know what I'm capable of. However the fact that I'm able to move my legs to walk, stand up ETC, means that my legs work correctly by every definition I'm aware of. So anyway the cab driver that I had Wednesday night seemed to be unhappy with my answer that i find my independence empowering. He then went on a tangent saying something like "I think someone who goes blind later in life has it worse than you do. Because the thing is, you've been blind all your life. Given that you've been blind all your life you know how to be blind. Someone who goes blind later in life does not know how to be blind." Again I engaged him in a discussion. I responded with something like "Actually that is not true for me. My mom sheltered me for 21 years of my life and even at the age of 19-years-old I didn't know how to make a sandwich, vacuum, mop, sweep ETC. I can't know how to do things as a blind person unless I'm shown or told how to do them. Besides, people should not compare one person's experiences to other people's experiences because everyone moves through the world differently." The cab driver still didn't understand where I was coming from but speaking up about my feelings and thoughts felt empowering to me nonetheless. I didn't mention this happening Wednesday night because I wanted to dedicate more of a blog post to this particular experience because this sort of thing happens quite frequently where people compare me to their blind cousin, aunt, sister-in-law or whoever. Usually though I don't speak up about how that sort of thing makes me feel which is why I changed my tactic with Wednesday night's cab driver. I think it's unhealthy for people to hold things inside of him or her, even though it's just been within the last few months that I've started to see the value in opening up to people about the ugly things that have happened in my life as well as how I've survived through those ugly things. Going back to living like I was a shut-in though: I lived that way for several years. In some ways I lived that way because trauma has been all I know (both where my mind and body are concerned). Also though I was too sick to do any differently. I believe that all the years of repeated traumatic experiences finally caught up with me and caused me to be deathly ill at times. Now that I'm on the right track of getting healthier by the day though I'm hopeful that I'll stay in fantastic health for years to come. Yesterday morning I went to a one-on-one appointment with the therapist I've been seeing since August 2017. During hers and my session yesterday morning she and I talked about how my vacation went. However we also talked about my future as it relates to going to therapy or not. I told her that I wanted to continue seeing her. She then brought up the fact that in the future we could talk about the possibility of me participating in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to attempt to physically remove the trauma that's built up in my body all these years. Before I'd talked about EMDR therapy with my therapist yesterday morning though I'd never even considered the fact that the numerous traumatic experiences I've had throughout the years have created a specific response in my body in addition to my brain. For example I don't like being touched by most people because of the way my body causes me to feel and otherwise respond when I'm being touched by people I don't know or trust. What I mean is that if I'm feeling unsure of something or someone my body tenses up, my chronic pain kicks in and I start to think that there's about to be danger near me. This isn't something I talk about regularly though. In fact I'd say that many of my friends have no idea that I don't like being touched because I respond well to those friends in the situations that we've been in together. If I feel uncomfortable with someone though or I know that someone feels uncomfortable with me my body reacts to that discomfort accordingly, just as when I know I can trust someone implicitly my body relaxes. Even now it's weird to write this shit down because it's foreign enough to me as it is. However it's also becoming more of a truth of mine since I'm putting it out there in the open. To be even more truthful I don't know that I'd trust even people I'd consider myself close to in every situation that presents itself to me. I'm okay with saying I have trust issues with people and I'm also okay with saying that I want to continue to become a better me every day. This is why I don't want to stop going to therapy: because I'm still gaining my freedom, gaining more confidence in myself and gaining a love of life that I've honestly never experienced before. If there comes a time in my future where I feel like going to therapy isn't serving me anymore then at that time I'll re-evaluate the situation and go from there. It's such a relief to feel excited about going to therapy because I was never excited when I went to the therapist I'd seen after I was sexually assaulted years ago. Going to therapy this time around is something that hugely contributes to my happiness. Because even though I had time away from therapy during my recent trip I had numerous coping strategies available to me that I used every day (which I still use every day) and I'd learned how to flip a negative thought pattern about myself into a positive thought about myself. For example if I found myself thinking that I deserve to be miserable rather than happy I did what I could to change that into the opposite thought: I deserve to be happy. With that particular example though it was not easy to change my thinking and feeling of being miserable. I think that goes back to the fact that all the trauma I've endured has had its affects on my body at least as much as it's affected me mentally though. It's weird to say this but initially I'd had what I now realize was an unrealistic expectation: I expected that once I'd started mentally undoing the trauma I'd endured, that the trauma would like, magically disappear from both my body and my brain. That isn't at all how things happened though of course. I've come a long way where working through the trauma I've endured mentally is concerned but I still have my work cut out for me, just as I'm sure I'll have my work cut out for me if I decide to have EMDR therapy in the future. I feel ready to face these demons of the unknown head-on, regardless of how difficult a road lies ahead of me. In other news, I downloaded VIAtrans's phone app this evening. I tried to create an account for myself on the app but I was unable to do so. I think I was unable to create an account using VIAtrans's app because VoiceOver couldn't read some information that was on the screen due to their being heavy graphics on the app. I don't know whether my suspicion is correct because I haven't had a sighted person look at the app yet nor do I know if any of my blind friends use the app. Although I'm not at all surprised that VIAtrans has come out with something as crappy as this app seems to be for me upon its first use. The reason I'm not surprised about this result is because VIAtrans service already sucks. So given that their service already sucks, to me it's a no-brainer that it seems to be a crappy app. Unfortunately being service-oriented is not VIAtrans's expert skill. I hope that maybe one day that will change...but it probably won't because VIAtrans has always done what they think is best for the people they serve rather than paying attention to what it is that the people they serve actually need from them as a company. Speaking of shitty companies though: when I first became a customer of the company I have my home internet with I'd connected several devices to my Wi-Fi network. I had my iPhone connected to my Wi-Fi network, my PC connected to my Wi-Fi network and my Echo Dot connected to my Wi-Fi network. The technician who'd been at my apartment then had told me that I'd have no problem connecting other devices to my Wi-Fi network, should I get any new electronics in the future. Contrary to what I'd been told though I've had trouble with my Wi-Fi network ever since I've had my Mac connected to it. Well I guess a better way to say it is that when I'm connected to either of my Wi-Fi networks on my Mac, I always end up having to restart my computer after awhile because my Mac looses connectivity. I know this just happens here at my apartment because when I was on different Wi-Fi networks on the recent trip I took, internet connectivity worked fantastic on my Mac. I'm not sure if the reason that internet connectivity on my Mac sucks here is because the company I'm with does not have good service or whether there's something else to it. However it's highly annoying that internet connectivity on my Mac sucks here because I really want to continue working on the AppleCare Technician Training that I purchased. Part of me wants to call the company I have my home internet with to ask them if there's anything that can be done to rectify this crappy situation I'm in. Yet another part of me doesn't want to deal with them because they usually always blame the customer. That being said though I probably will contact them because it's important to me to continue doing this training that I started. What this really boils down to though is that I can't stand sitting and waiting on the phone for this kind of crap to be resolved. LOL. Yesterday afternoon I texted my assistant to ask her if she knows when she'd be able to start working for me again. She texted me back a little while later saying she'd try to be at my apartment today. Since I never heard from her after that text though I let her know that I'd need to get someone else because I really need help with cooking at the very least. Shortly after I'd sent her that text she replied to my message saying that she understood where I was coming from. I then texted the company who hired her for me to ask them if they'd work on finding someone else to be my assistant. A few minutes later the company texted me asking me if I'd want to keep a morning schedule. So I replied to her message saying that mornings are always best for me.