Being Vulnerable

[chelseajmunoz]

I grew up in a very strict Christian household where my mom would take me to church almost every weekend. My mom taking me to church continued until I was 14 or 15-years-old. Even as a young child though I never enjoyed going to church. In fact I'll go so far as to say that I hated going to church. Looking back church-going was honestly one of the worst punishments that I had to endure. Church was a place where I wanted to be a kid but where I was constantly wondering at what point in the church service my mom would take me to the bathroom to abuse me. Given the environment I was in I never felt safe to try and find a trustworthy adult that I could talk to about what was going on. Truthfully I lived in fear of my mom until the day I moved out of her house in the summer of 2009. Anyway although I've sometimes felt like God wasn't really in my life I've always found my way back to believing in him. That being said, my belief in God is nothing like the way many Christians portray God to be. What I mean in saying that my belief in God differs from many Christian believers is that I don't believe that God will negatively judge me based on the fact that my view of him has evolved as I've gained more life experiences. I don't believe that God thinks homosexuality is wrong. I don't believe that God thinks that the Christian way is the only truth, the only life or the only way people should live. I do believe that God shows kindness to humanity as a whole, not just to disabled people, not just to Christian people or to any other group of people that one can think of. I do believe that God realizes and accepts the fact that forgiveness means different things to different people. I believe that God operates the way I think a loving parent acts towards his or her children. I think that God sometimes places things in our paths that we can choose whether we want to take advantage of or not. I don't think that God grumbles when we choose things that he may not have wanted us to choose. Mostly though I think that God wants every human being to take credit for the great things that are happening in his or her life. If someone has worked his or her ass off to be successful at something he or she loves to do, God loves enthusiasm. I believe that God loves for humans to be proud of things because he's a proud parent whenever his people put goodness into the world. And honestly it's only been within the last few years that my belief in God has evolved to what I've written here. I'm 1000 percent confident in my skin and in the things that I believe in. I haven't set foot in a church for a month or so now because I'm no longer willing to do things to fit in or to feel like I have a sense of community somewhere, when I don't feel like I fit in at any church. I've gone to church with friends pretty recently and those times of attending church were okay. However there was still a huge part of me that felt out-of-place at church, regardless of the fact I was with friends. These things that I'm writing are me being vulnerable because I rarely even talk about why I don't like going to church or how I view God. I think it's important to have these kinds of discussions though if for no other reason than that I believe that people need to hear different perspectives. I believe that people need to be taken out of their Christian worldview that says anything other than Christianity is wrong, filthy or evil. I believe that people should think outside the box regularly, regardless of what religion they are or are not. I believe that God wants human beings to question things because when we question things, that questioning helps us grow and be better human beings over all. So as I was saying it's just been within the last few years that my belief in God has evolved into what I consider to be a healthy point of view. Also, having gone to therapy since last August, has been something that's helped me be comfortable in my belief in God as it truly is and not worry about who doesn't like the way I believe, who thinks I'm living wrong ETC. Part of what I've also been learning in therapy is how to find the balance of when to engage someone in what might be a controversial discussion and when to stay silent. I think each day I'm getting better and better at finding a balance between the two that works for me. Interestingly yesterday I went to lunch with a couple people I'd met at one of the churches I've gone to here in San Antonio. During our meal one of the people asked me about my friend who lives in the state I recently vacationed in. The first question she asked me was "Is he Christian?" Even though part of me felt like his religious beliefs had absolutely nothing to do with anything another part of me felt that this would be a great opportunity to speak at least one of my truths. So I told her that no he was not Christian and that in fact he was Muslim. I spoke that truth to her like the confident, secure and happy woman that I am. She then made a comment saying something like "Is your friend tolerant of other people's beliefs?" I thought that was ironic, given the fact that she was the intolerant one. Then she said something like "Are you aware that some time in the future the world will be a majority Muslim world?" I just smiled, told her that that sort of talk was propaganda then I let the discussion drop. This particular experience though left me feeling many emotions. On one hand I felt sad for her because for anyone to have such a narrow-minded and negatively judgmental view, is not only harmful but the exact opposite of the Bible verse that says "love thy neighbor." That particular Bible verse does not say "love thy neighbor only if she or he is heterosexual" or "love thy neighbor only if she or he is a Bible-believing Christian" or "love thy neighbor only if she or he goes to church every Sunday like you do." That particular Bible verse simply says "love thy neighbor." Period! I know that people fuck this sort of thing up all the time but I have a problem with that. Life is already difficult enough for everyone as it is and I feel like when people add to life's difficulty by being judgmental of others in a harmful way, those negative judgments are part of the reason why conversations like the one I had with that lady yesterday and why conversations like the one I'm having here on my blog in this particular entry, are taboo to begin with. Negatively judgmental conversations are also the reason that it's so damn hard for people like me to take the plunge and find a therapist to talk about mental health stuff with. Going to therapy though has helped me look at myself and how negatively judgmental I've been towards myself for years. In turn going to therapy has served as a tool for me to recognize negatively judgmental attitudes in others and allowed me to find my voice so that I can assert myself and tell people who are judgmental in a harmful way where and why I think his or her attitude is unhelpful to society, not to mention harmful to society. Even though that part of the conversation this lady and I had about my friend was short I still felt angry to know that there are people in 2018 who believe that anyone who is not Christian, should not be seen as a fellow human being. Although I think the word "disgust" would more accurately describe my feelings after coming away from that part of this lady's and my conversation. Even though I felt disgust I also felt empowered. I felt empowered because I asserted myself knowing that the discussion that she and I were having would likely be one of the most controversial discussions I'd ever have with her. I was vulnerable in a way that I'd never been vulnerable before, by sharing my friend's religious affiliation with someone when quite frankly, what religion or lack thereof that my friend practices had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that he treats me better than anyone else has or ever could, he brings out the best in me and we both just love laughter and being happy. Still though I wonder why the first thing someone wants to know when asking about another person's friend, is what religion the person is or is not. And, how could anyone think it proper, appropriate or what have you, to ask such a thing in the first place? Because knowing whether someone is religious or not, does not shed any light on said person's character. Maybe I just stumbled on the answer to my own question though: maybe people who believe the way this lady does, that Muslims are bad, bad, bad for this majority Christian world we live in or who think that a person's religious affiliation or lack thereof truly does shed light on a person's character, maybe that lady believes with her whole heart that Christianity is the only way people can and should live. Even so though I think it's important to call such things out and try to dispel such harmful attitudes even if the people we're currently talking to don't get where we're coming from. And those of us who are sort of religious or not religious at all need to talk about these sorts of things openly because the only way change can produce successful results is if people are willing to have discussions that may at times be controversial or uncomfortable to him or her. One of the common themes that I seem to write about a lot in these blog entries is the fact that when people are adults, he or she has the right and the freedom to express his or herself...because here in America, that sort of thing is our right as citizens. So when someone expresses an opinion that another person does not agree with, it's mostly okay for the person who disagrees to say so. In fact for me personally, as I'm becoming more outspoken and using my voice in ways that I never thought possible, I find that over all my life is pretty damn great...because I don't hesitate to use my voice in every way I can find to do so. I believe wholeheartedly in who I am and in what I bring to the world and I think that shows in how I carry myself throughout the world. In all honesty, adopting this new perspective has helped me deal with being here in San Antonio at least a little bit better than I might otherwise. Like, now that I understand that as an adult I can make choices about how my life turns out, which I couldn't make as a kid...just knowing that I have power as an adult helps me move through the world happily and at ease in the knowledge that I exist...and my existence is enough.