More Reflections And Change Can Be Good

[chelseajmunoz]

As I said in the last blog entry that I wrote Wednesday, that same day was the last day I spent in my apartment. Fortunately I was able to sell everything I had except my couch. My friends and I ended up putting my couch outside of that apartment by the dumpsters. I'm pretty confident that from there someone will claim what used to be my couch if no one has done so already. Anyway the apartment that I recently left was special to me because living there by myself for 6-and-a-half years showed me that I not only had what it takes to live independently but with the determination that I have every day of my life and no matter how shitty my situation seemed at the time, I made it through. I survived what then were crappy hardships to deal with (my apartment complex not providing me notices and such in a format that I could read, or the apartment complex staff trying to raise my rent without giving me proper notice) and other things that I've listed in these blog entries before. However each time I had any kind of hardship to deal with I dealt with things the best I could and with as much kindness as I could muster. Sometimes I showed my frustration to people because I wanted people to know that I wasn't stupid nor was I a pushover. For instance when I first moved into that particular apartment in July 2011 I didn't know much if anything about the laws as they relate to people with disabilities. I just knew that at that time I didn't want to rock the boat with anyone so I did what I had to do to make that happen: I asked no questions and never spoke up, even if it meant my voice not being heard. As the years went by though I started to learn about the laws as they relate to people with disabilities. I became passionate about the rights I had and I became just as passionate about making a difference in people's lives where his or her rights were concerned. Interestingly though when I was a student at the Louisiana Center for the Blind (LCB) I stayed in an apartment with a roommate who also attended that particular center then. Although the apartments were owned by the LCB, the LCB students were the ones who were responsible for the upkeep of the apartment (cleaning the apartment, grocery shopping for the food he or she'd eat while attending the LCB and cooking his or her meals when he or she was in the apartment). Just as LCB students could decide whether he or she wanted to make good choices about his or her life at the center, LCB students also had the freedom to skip classes if he or she wanted to. I'm not saying that LCB staff liked when the LCB students skipped class or even that they encouraged the students to skip class. What I'm saying though is that when people attended the LCB, each individual was treated like someone who had the right to make choices about what happened with his or her life. So living at the LCB apartments really taught me valuable lessons as well. Living at the LCB apartments showed me that just because I was responsible doesn't necessarily mean that other people are responsible. I learned that the skills I'd attained at the LCB could be used throughout my life regardless of where I was or whether I had eyesight to use. I learned that all the LCB training in the world just can't prepare people for some sucky things in life (like the fact that people could lose his or her vision at any time or the fact that people could get diagnosed with numerous health conditions that could change his or her life at any moment). What the LCB training did for me though was show me that no matter what shitty things life threw my way I'd be okay through it all. I may not like the cards I've been dealt regarding certain aspects of my life but all I can do every day is the best I can. That's all anyone can do though really. So technically I've lived in two apartments independent of my family and being afforded those particular opportunities has allowed me to grow tremendously. And now that I'm more aware of the laws as they relate to people with disabilities I'm hopeful that I continue to use my voice where that's concerned (both for myself as well as for others). Interestingly now that I think about it there were a few traumatic experiences that happened while I was an LCB student, similar to how there were traumatic experiences at my last apartment. However when those traumatic experiences happened at LCB I was strong enough to let someone know how they made me feel (one of the incidents was a couple LCB students playing with guns and impersonating police officers and the other incident that happened at LCB was another student making sexual advances towards me that were unwelcome). When I told LCB staff how those incidents made me feel I'd come to understand that my feelings were valid and that it was good of me to report those things even though I felt terrified to do so. To anyone who feels like he or she can't work through the fear you may feel for a given thing, I want to say that you are not alone in those feelings. I want you to know that if anyone tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way or act a certain way, when you're passionate about something or someone, you fight for what you believe to be right! Fighting for what you believe to be right won't be easy. I'll tell that to anyone. What fighting for what you believe to be right will do though is that it will give you the tools you'll need to always be confident in who you are. Going back to Wednesday though: shortly after I'd written my last blog entry that day a few of my friends came over to help move everything out of my apartment for me. Also, one of my friends brought me a painting that she'd painted for me. The painting she'd made was a white Apple logo on a black background. Below the Apple logo there are words that read "You don't have to change the world to be important." Even though I can't physically see the painting that my friend made for me, it still means the world that she put her heart and soul into this. Hopefully one day I'll be able to put said painting in my office at Apple someday. The thought of that happening makes me smile big! On another note though I'm glad that Wednesday is behind me now. That particular day was such a long and stressful day even though I did my best to make the day as stress-free as possible. Because on one hand I felt super excited just knowing that that particular apartment would be something in my past. Then when my friends and I actually locked up that particular apartment and turned in my apartment keys I felt more emotional than I can describe. Like, every part of me was sooooo ready to let that particular apartment go! And I did. It's an amazing feeling. Then early this morning I went on a train with my clothes and electronics to start a new chapter of my life: a chapter of my life where for the first time in my entire life I feel free to be who I am, where for the first time in my life I feel safe to continue teaching myself how to live in the present and all in all where I keep reaching new heights. This evening I had a lot of things on my mind and was feeling really down. So I stopped, thought to myself "Okay Chelsea what's the issue here? Why are you down?" The answer was because there are things in my life that I can't control and sometimes I don't like feeling out of control when it comes to what's happening in my life. So again I thought to myself "Okay Chelsea what can you do with the information you just figured out? How can you help allow yourself to be happy again?" And the first thing I did was to create a group chat on Facebook (FB) between me and the people I had group therapy with in San Antonio. Once I'd realized that creating such an FB chat would greatly improve my mood I created said FB chat right then. And again I asked myself "Chelsea what are some other things that you could do to help contribute to your happiness?" The second answer I came up with was that I could text my closest friends about the hardships I was experiencing, talk with my close friends about those hardships i was experiencing then ask my close friends what was something that had happened in his or her day that was awesome. Once I realized that not only could I change my attitude and mood but I could also give myself the power back even though seconds ago I'd just felt powerless to change things. Maybe it's just the fact I'm no longer in a place where I feel unsafe or like I have to be on-guard all the time. Maybe it's also the fact that I've been doing lots of hard work in therapy since last August and the hard work I've done is creating different results in my life. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I personally think it's a combination of things. Whatever it is I want more of it!! No, I need more of it...because I WILL live the life I WANT to live!! Not the life that other people want me to live or that other people think is best for me...but the life that I, Chelsea, want and need to live for myself.